Cure for the Common Cold

Yesterday, out of the blue I started coming down with a cold. It came on like a flash. My head became congested, my nose started to drip and I started to hack (as in cough, not as in committing cyber crimes).

An old sage (actually just an old schmoe) at the Mayday Malone's claimed that Rickard's Red was the universal remedy. So I went to the bar with my copy of Foucault's Pendulum and ordered up a pint of Rickard's. The taste was perfect, not sweet, not acidic and not too fizzy, and a touch bitter. It went down easy. Like a cool gentle tea.

Since it was also pizza day I ordered up one spicy pizza. Before the pizza came I ordered a second. I decided I would keep drinking these Rickards' until I started to feel drunk. When I pizza came, I loaded it up with red pepper flakes, and I ordered a third. Mel Gibson would be scrawling swastikas on the napkin by now - but I wasn't feeling the effects of the booze at all.

I worked on a fourth, my congestion was easing and my head felt better. I plowed through page after page of Eco's masterpiece. Casaubon's time in Rio, the meeting with Signor Garamond.

When I ordered up a fifth the bartender remarked he'd never served me five beers before, but I felt like I hadn't even had the first. Obviously the germs were absorbing the alcohol. I was drowning them in booze. Maybe this would work after all.

After five, still sharp as a tack and steady as a rock - I walked outta there like Ward Cleaver. Still, I dreaded the next day. Had I really licked this cold or would I get rocked by some deadly cold plus hangover combo ? And feel even worse ? like the dreaded thousand pounds of ass ?

Next morning, I woke a bit later than usual, still my nose was clear, my head didn't pound. I didn't feel 100%, still I was a lot better than I was fifteen hours ago, maybe 80%. Was this the cure ? Or the 80% cure. It sure was worth it, for the $25 or so. Or was it the spice ? Or did any of that stuff make any difference at all ? After all, I didn't have a control subject.

But next time I'm coming down with a cold, I will try the Rickard's trick again.