Buying an Assbike

The first warm weekend of the year was a couple weeks ago



...and that always brings out the patio trash.

It's also that time of year when letters start pouring into the Assbike Magazine offices asking "How do I buy my very own Assbike?".

By and large used bikes fall into two categories, abused and neglected. Abused bikes have usually sat out in the rain and snow. Sometimes a quality bike that's been abused can be a good fixer-upper, but with the price of bike parts what they are it's almost never worth it unless they have some special charm.

The other type of bike is a neglected bike. There's always people who buy bikes but they never ride 'em. This is a assbike bargoon hunter's Loch Ness Monster. If you're lucky you'll find an awesome new bike a few years old that the owner desperately wants to get rid of.


Dept. store bike.



These are the bikes sold at places like Cdn tire for around $100. They are always heavy and are built to low tolerances. They usually have gears and sometimes even shocks and other trendy features, but because they are so ass they never work well. There's a limitless supply of these and every suburban garage has at least one. Don't pay more than $30 for one of these if you pay at all.


Well-used quality bike.



Sometimes someone sells a decently used quality bike at a fair price. It's a quality bike, but you're getting a discount because it's old and used. These can be a good find if they don't look like they'll need a lotta new parts, but sometimes the sellers think they can sell a 10 yr old bike for almost as much as they paid for it way back when. Tell 'em to beat it.


Stylin' bike.



Demand is high for stylin' cruiser bikes, the types with fenders and hipster colours. Even if they don't have the latest bike technology you're going to be paying more for cruiser type bikes at the mo'. The downfall is that a lot of them are heavy (like the Swedish Kronans) and slow. You have to suffer for your style.

Assbike song's had a bit of a break while I go crazy, but this week it's back in a double dose. Two covers: El Vez: Power to the People and Eddie Spaghetti: I Dont' Want to Grow Up.