Take that asshole !

http://torontoist.com/2007/11/road_rage_redux.php

At about 9:45 a.m. this morning, another shocking confrontation between a motorist and a cyclist took place at the intersection of College and McCaul Streets. During their heated dispute, the cyclist stabbed the motorist two to three times in the neck with a screwdriver.

New York Times on Fixed gear bikes

Yes THAT New York times has an article on fixies.


This is a pretty good fixie video with cool fixed gear tricks like skids and backwards riding (but the New-Age West-Coast soundtrack blows).

Countdown Stoplights

These countdown stoplights are springing up everywhere in TO, but no one seems to have acknowledged it. I'm not sure how they help the urban assbiker, but it does give you a way to time the yellow.

If anything tho' I think these will fuck more people up, because they will think they can run further into the yelloo than they already do.

But as a bonus you can eyeball across to the countdown on the cross streets and use it to better run through intersections.

Oh here's some pictures from Parkdale, where I happend to be today :








Apparently something called Genghis Tron is playing at Sneaky Dee's on May 5th. It sounds like the name. I would go see them, but I visited the myspace page and it's a bit too juvenile/NIN/trenchcoat-mafia to float my boat. Cool name though.

Snow Day

I love riding out in the snow, and amazingly a fixie rides really well in the snow; probably because the rear wheel won't skid -- unless you do it deliberately.

The city made a skating rink in the park across the street, which is nice, because the indoor rink across from my place is always booked for hockey. They spent the whole day before the snowstorm clearing it off, and now it's buried under a foot of snow.



The stretch of Bloor between about Christie and Dundas west or so (where the Value Village is) has such a different feel than the rest of the city. It feels like I'm in Brooklyn or something. Here be some pics:











I also discovered "mall shopping", hitting up Dufferin mall. I found a store called H+M that has stylin' clothes, and they're not too pricey and lots of wigger shops. I bought an Adidas tracksuit top which has the inadvertent effect of making me look like part of an 80s breakdancing crew.

...oh and there's Greta and me enjoying the snow :

Party's Over and Assbike Tip #6

Looks like we be in for a shitstorm. (Ontario Radar). If we're lucky we won't be in for a direct hit.

But this be time for another Assbike Tip.

When the snow comes down Toronto salts the fuck out of the streets, with good reason, but this means if you assbike you will get a soaker and show up to wherever you're headed looking like a drowned rat.

The way around this is to notice that sidewalks and small streets as well as the many alleyways don't get salted.



So, it's better to roll over some soft packed snow and avoid the salty slush on the main streets. Watch out for buried ice though.

Unrestrained Demon of the Wheel

Yes, it finally happened. Yesterday I ran down a pedestrian.

(I stole this from here)

It wasn't so bad, since I was almost stopped by the time I hit the guy. He stepped out in front of me so I cut behind him (see messenger's hook) he freaked and stepped back into me. I didn't fall but he was totally bowled over.




GWB is apparently another unrestrained demon of the wheel. The full article here.

Nite Ride

This pic is from tonight's ride. By the Lake, on the way to the Humber.





I'm also making sure that Greta gets a good workout everyday. The diet food and measured portions didn't work. But we finally found a toy she can't get enough of, and it seems to working. Fit cat. Well, getting there.








She also finds a use for $150 finance textbooks.






Colours are pretty bright outside my place, and they match the ol' Marinoni, which sadly won't stay that colour (it needs some serious repair).



...and this is the view from inside. Yah. I have fresh basil year round.

Winter Time Training

I've gotten back into my winter training routine. Where I get all suited up and head out at 7:00 or sometimes even later and ride for 2 or more hours. Since it's dark by that time, it doesn't really matter when you leave. It's all the same. The usual spot is the CNE but sometimes I like to mix it up.

Last night was rainy, so I stuck to the CNE where it's safer, also if you venture out on the open roads you have to deal with traffic, stoplights, etc.

But tonight I worked out a pretty cool training route in the Beaches (or the "Beach" as it's officially known now).





As you can see it's got a decent climb (by T-dot standards). The roads are paved with interlocking brick and lined with super nice houses.

You can check out the route on Bikely too.

And in other news. I heard (so this might be bullshit), but I heard that Rockstar: Supernova winner Lukas Rossi used to hang out at my local watering hole (Mayday Malone's). I dunno if that's true, but in this article Rossi's buddies are hanging out at Clinton's, which is exactly where I expect to see Lukas-Rossi-looking dudes.

Bike Pirates

A few days ago I picked up a new headset from Craigslist, I knew the one on my usual ride was shot and would have to be replaced soon. Turns out Assbike labs is equipped for pretty much every repair except headset replacement.

So I dropped by Bike Pirates on Bathurst just South of College (near Sneaks in fact).

Bike Pirates is a Co-op and anyone can drop in there and work on their bike. They have the tools, space and work stands. It's a good place to work on your bike even if you have the tools, because there is a lot of room and there are always people who can give you a hand. Whenever you go there's always a few people working on beaters.

It turns out they didn't have any special headset tools either, so I made do. I had a couple nice guys Nick and Asher help me out. Nick held my fork as I hammered out the fork crown race with a screwdriver.

Asher showed me how to hammer out the frame cups by inserting a copper pipe into the head tube. I came up with a clever way to do this, since this job is a bit harder because of the way the inside of the Cannondale's headtube is designed. I will try to provide a diagram of the tool I made for this job. I just used a mallet and a block of wood to install the new headset.

For the help I gave Nick some spare parts, and he even took my worn out headset. The attitude reminded me of India, where people try to get every possible use out of everything and don't throw anything out.

Bike Pirates is supposedly open Sat and Mon 12-5.

Five Good Assbike Bars

Since a lot the popular downtown going out places are now infested by Federlines, it is time to compile a list of off the beaten path bars. Many of these are pretty much only accessible by assbike.

Clinton's (Bloor + Christie) This is THE Rock'n'Roll bar. The beer's not that cheap, the food is okay, but if there is one word for the log cabin interior it is: uplifting. The look: Black T-shirts and studded belts.

Queenshead (Queen + Bathurst) This place wasn't almost going to make the list because it is full of try-hards and the service is too aloof for my taste, but I went there tonight for the wings and they were pretty damn good. The look: Emo hair and army jackets.

Communist's Daughter (Dundas and Ossington) This place will make you say "I remember 2003!". A throwback hipster bar for people who miss trucker hats and green Pumas. Pabst Blue Ribbon specials and Tegan and Sara on the jukebox. I ate the cheese and sausage platter. I'm probably also the only person that ate pickled eggs from the massive jar behind the bar. The look : Trucker hats and Pumas.

Ronnie's Local 069 (Kensington Mkt.) This is a new bar that is made to look like a biker (the Hell's Angels type) dive that's been there for 40 years, but there's more Assbikes than Harleys out front. This makes the whole thing a bit contrived from the get go, but it is on the upswing on the Assbike Lifecycle Theory. It was packed and hoppin' when I dropped in. They have a few cool beers on tap and some decent tunes. The look : Rockabilly hair and Coop tattoos.

Rhino (Queen + Dufferin) The "Gladstone Dip" acts as the barrier between The Rhino in Parkdale and the Queen West artbar scene. It has a 100-beer menu and decent beers like Wellington and Denison on tap for $4/pint. The food is really good too and cheap, like the grilled calamari, proscuitto pizza and steak sandwiches, and all at a decent price.

Apparently it's a former dive that now has the trappings and menu of an upscale bar. For that reason it has an identity crisis, not trendy enough for the scenesters and not shitty enough for the bums, thus is always kinda empty. The look : ???

New Assbike

I finally put together the Tequila Sunrise Marinoni. I was almost dying without a good assbike to boot around town. I mostly used parts I had around, but I picked up rear wheel from Cavern Cycles (one of the best stores in my o), which was the biggest thing I needed. In total I spent $40 for the rear wheel, $25 for the Dura-Ace cog, $5 for the chain and $7 for chainring bolts. Everything else was from shid I had lying around.

I fixed the steerer tube with the wedge of a stem. I slowly tapped it in until the tube was round again.





Here it is the finished result :



Check out the Mavic pursuit bars :



and this is the seat I re-upholstered a whilie back:



I opted to go with no brakes, which is appropriately anti-social. With the bars so low it is also appropriatley inpractical. But riding it around feels totally badass. Tonight I decided to celebrate and go for an assbike bar hop and made a few stops.

New Project

I've been missing the Pinn, and wish I had a good little bike to boot around the city. I'm reminded of it everytime I see a nice fixie like this pic I found on Flickr.



I happened to run into my friend Marshall on my way home and he just GAVE me this great old Marinoni frame.



Marinoni, out of Montreal is the most well known Canadian custom bike builder. Judging by the rear triangle spacing this one is a mid-80s (or older) model, though the paint is newer.



When I was a kid all the local hotshots had custom steel bikes like this.

I really dig the outlined logos and 80s fade paint-job. I'm not nuts about lugged frames and whatnot, but the flat crowned fork with the cast in maple leafs is a work of art. And look at those reinforcing strips along the inside.

It has one big problem though. The downtube has a chunk ripped out of it :







and to top it off, I dropped the fork while carrying it home and dinged the steerer:



So I'll have to figure out how to deal with those two things. Then the question is how should it be built up ? Fixie or full-on orad bike and how much should I spend.

Interestingly, I saw this car in Kensington whihch has the same paintjob:



So it is possible to get a matching asscar.

Assbike: Lotions and Potions Edition

This is all about the secret lotions and potions that can be found at the Assbike Laboratories. Most of these are solutions to specific problems.

Loctite 242: Some bolts never stay tight, esp. stubby ones like shoe cleat bolts which lead a hard life. Loctite is some sorta magic potion, it starts out as a liquid, but when it's in an anaerobic enviroment (as in no air) it hardens into plastic. 242 is the medium strength threadlock, it locks bolts, but not so hard you can't undo them, and it also acts as an anti-seize. I always use Loctite 242 on my cleat bolts. Since shoe bolts are exposed to all the dirt and water, they are also prone to seizing, and often they get worn down from walking. Locite 242 will add 3 years to your life.

Some parts on a bike are pressed in, like the headset cups. They are pressed into the headtube. If you somehow enlarge that tube, like from a head-on crash, that usually means the frame is toast. But the alchemists at Loctite have a solution! Loctite 620 is the bearing reatiner. It's a liquid that hardens into plastic that will fill a gap where you need it. I sometimes also put a dab on the handlebar under the stem clamp (probably the one interface on a bike where failure will really fuck you hard) so that I don't have to clamp down the stem too hard (and risk damamge).



Bike shops sell grease at insane prices in teeny bike-sized portions. But the smart assbike mechanic buys a pot-o' wheel bearing grease at Canadian Tire for like five buck. Unless you run a bike shop or are the frontman for a Rockabilly band, you will have bought enough grease that your grandchildren will stand to inherit a lifetime's supply.

Another miracle potion comes from the Gunk corporation of Charlotte, North Carolina. All kindsa crap all seized and rusted up from being outside in ass ass Toronto weather? Liquid Wrench will set you free. It has saved my regal ass on more than one occasion.

This is powerful stuff. A little Liquid Wrench back in the day woulda made you the King of England.

Sword in the Stone ? Pshaw !

"Waxing one's chain" sounds like a euphemism for something dirty, but that literally what assbikin' gentlemen do.

Tacky grease stains on your pant leg or calf are strictly for rubes and simpletons. "Waxing" is certainly a throwback to the days of shoeshines and starched collars.

This is how it works. You remove all trace of grease from your drivetrain, esp. the chain. It's best to start with a new chain. Melt a block of paraffin wax in a can, then remove your chain and dip it in the wax. The reinstall it. It will look like it's sugarglazed or something, but you spin the cranks around a few times and the excess wax flakes off. Now your chain is wax-lubed. It will be smooth and quiet for the next two weeks, or until it gets wet. The beauty is the chain is dry to the touch and doesn't leave grease stains everywhere. The downside is you have to stick to this fortnightly regimen or your chain will squeak like a mofo and Italians will call you stronzi and mock your inferior stock.

Also: Advice for Assbike Magazine readers for this summer. Do not spend an afternoon sitting in the blazing sun, drinking beer and listening to the Best of Duran Duran. You will get seriously messed up.

Buying an Assbike

The first warm weekend of the year was a couple weeks ago



...and that always brings out the patio trash.

It's also that time of year when letters start pouring into the Assbike Magazine offices asking "How do I buy my very own Assbike?".

By and large used bikes fall into two categories, abused and neglected. Abused bikes have usually sat out in the rain and snow. Sometimes a quality bike that's been abused can be a good fixer-upper, but with the price of bike parts what they are it's almost never worth it unless they have some special charm.

The other type of bike is a neglected bike. There's always people who buy bikes but they never ride 'em. This is a assbike bargoon hunter's Loch Ness Monster. If you're lucky you'll find an awesome new bike a few years old that the owner desperately wants to get rid of.


Dept. store bike.



These are the bikes sold at places like Cdn tire for around $100. They are always heavy and are built to low tolerances. They usually have gears and sometimes even shocks and other trendy features, but because they are so ass they never work well. There's a limitless supply of these and every suburban garage has at least one. Don't pay more than $30 for one of these if you pay at all.


Well-used quality bike.



Sometimes someone sells a decently used quality bike at a fair price. It's a quality bike, but you're getting a discount because it's old and used. These can be a good find if they don't look like they'll need a lotta new parts, but sometimes the sellers think they can sell a 10 yr old bike for almost as much as they paid for it way back when. Tell 'em to beat it.


Stylin' bike.



Demand is high for stylin' cruiser bikes, the types with fenders and hipster colours. Even if they don't have the latest bike technology you're going to be paying more for cruiser type bikes at the mo'. The downfall is that a lot of them are heavy (like the Swedish Kronans) and slow. You have to suffer for your style.

Assbike song's had a bit of a break while I go crazy, but this week it's back in a double dose. Two covers: El Vez: Power to the People and Eddie Spaghetti: I Dont' Want to Grow Up.