Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Assbike Cup

I'm at home and someone outside my window is chilling in their Kustom van, sitting inside with the doors open. I took the pick through the screen window, because I wasn't bold enough to walk outside and take a pic while I was watched.

Chillin' in your Kustom van, what a throwback -- I think. The weird thing about popculture is it makes you nostalgic for things you never actually experienced or were never into in the first place, like Kool-Aid and roller disco. Or chillin' in a Kustom Van.

So, the World Cup is coming up and it will prove to be absolutely fatal for getting any work done, esp. as most games will be on TV during work hours. So for dirtbag hackademics who only ever work between coffee breaks and web-surfing this means midday drinking with a bar full or international students and a splitting headache by 2 pm.

One big thing that's going ot be missing though is Pierluigi Collina, the guy who was known as the best referee ever, since he retired last year. The games might be boring or slow, and you might not know dickall about soccer, so catching those glimpses of Collina would be the best part of the game. Anyways the festivities get underway on June 9th.

The International Hair Conference has always been the sideshow attraction at the World Cup, and in 2002 David Beckham unveiled the faux-hawk and Ronaldo came up with this number. You can check'em all out at World Cup Haircuts (Collina is an embarrasing absence from the gallery). So the world waits ... who will win the Best Hair Prize in 2006 ?

Friday, May 19, 2006

Assbike Fashion Tip

Male grooming is a tricky thing. If you ignore it you will be a hapless slob, but if you overdo it you will look like a fruit.

This is why guys should not get their eyebrows waxed and shaped. You will get laughed at, because everyone can tell and it makes you look like a drag queen.

It doesn't work for Carrot Top and it doesn't work for Brandon Davis (above).

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Assbike: Lotions and Potions Edition

This is all about the secret lotions and potions that can be found at the Assbike Laboratories. Most of these are solutions to specific problems.

Loctite 242: Some bolts never stay tight, esp. stubby ones like shoe cleat bolts which lead a hard life. Loctite is some sorta magic potion, it starts out as a liquid, but when it's in an anaerobic enviroment (as in no air) it hardens into plastic. 242 is the medium strength threadlock, it locks bolts, but not so hard you can't undo them, and it also acts as an anti-seize. I always use Loctite 242 on my cleat bolts. Since shoe bolts are exposed to all the dirt and water, they are also prone to seizing, and often they get worn down from walking. Locite 242 will add 3 years to your life.

Some parts on a bike are pressed in, like the headset cups. They are pressed into the headtube. If you somehow enlarge that tube, like from a head-on crash, that usually means the frame is toast. But the alchemists at Loctite have a solution! Loctite 620 is the bearing reatiner. It's a liquid that hardens into plastic that will fill a gap where you need it. I sometimes also put a dab on the handlebar under the stem clamp (probably the one interface on a bike where failure will really fuck you hard) so that I don't have to clamp down the stem too hard (and risk damamge).

Bike shops sell grease at insane prices in teeny bike-sized portions. But the smart assbike mechanic buys a pot-o' wheel bearing grease at Canadian Tire for like five buck. Unless you run a bike shop or are the frontman for a Rockabilly band, you will have bought enough grease that your grandchildren will stand to inherit a lifetime's supply.

Another miracle potion comes from the Gunk corporation of Charlotte, North Carolina. All kindsa crap all seized and rusted up from being outside in ass ass Toronto weather? Liquid Wrench will set you free. It has saved my regal ass on more than one occasion.

This is powerful stuff. A little Liquid Wrench back in the day woulda made you the King of England.

Sword in the Stone ? Pshaw !

"Waxing one's chain" sounds like a euphemism for something dirty, but that literally what assbikin' gentlemen do.

Tacky grease stains on your pant leg or calf are strictly for rubes and simpletons. "Waxing" is certainly a throwback to the days of shoeshines and starched collars.

This is how it works. You remove all trace of grease from your drivetrain, esp. the chain. It's best to start with a new chain. Melt a block of paraffin wax in a can, then remove your chain and dip it in the wax. The reinstall it. It will look like it's sugarglazed or something, but you spin the cranks around a few times and the excess wax flakes off. Now your chain is wax-lubed. It will be smooth and quiet for the next two weeks, or until it gets wet. The beauty is the chain is dry to the touch and doesn't leave grease stains everywhere. The downside is you have to stick to this fortnightly regimen or your chain will squeak like a mofo and Italians will call you stronzi and mock your inferior stock.

Also: Advice for Assbike Magazine readers for this summer. Do not spend an afternoon sitting in the blazing sun, drinking beer and listening to the Best of Duran Duran. You will get seriously messed up.

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Friday, May 12, 2006

More Art School

Here's some more of my humble art. I added "twirl" to my palette, in addition to greyscale and blur. The result is pleasantly nauseating:

Something else I discovered I could do with my lousy pics is to crank up the saturation and then turn up the contrast so it looks like a poster or painting or something :

It was a technically poor photograph, Now it's art!

Talking about art, I can't wait to see Art School Confidential.

There aren't too many movies I feel I can re-watch, but Ghost World was one of them, so I'm glad that the writer and director of Ghost World (Dan Clowes and Terry Zwigoff respectively) decided to get back to together for another movie.

Ghost World of course had that great Bollywood song over the opening credits, and now thanks to the awesome You Tube I can watch the original clip it was from (Jaan Pehechan Ho by Mohd. Rafi length: 5:30).

You Tube is the shit. There was Google, and then there was IMDB, 2005 was all about Wikipedia for me, and 2006 is all You Tube and Google Video.

There is so much great stuff on You Tube, I've been watching clips for hours. Stuff I thought I'd never see. Like this awesome theremin demonstration by Jon Spencer :


Friday, May 05, 2006

Cramps and Karaoke

Last Sunday I did another donut ride and my quads completely cramped on the way on on a small rise and I had to drop back. So I ended up riding (crawling) back into the city solo at like 25 kph.

My legs were sore for three days afterwards, but my legs felt stronger after cramping, but I still don't have to sustained power to ride the way I want. Last night onthe Thursday night ride I got dropped earlier than I ever have. I have the strength to make short surges and punch up short hills, but I'm feeling the effects of a pretty slack winter.

Usually after Thursday night rides I'm too lazy to cook up some dinner so it's tempting to hit up the nightly special at Mayday Malone's. Thursday night is half price Mexican, and I was jonesin' for one of those quesadillas, and it is also Karaoke night and is easily the busiest night of the week.

Some of the singers are actually really good, so I usually get sucked in for a drink or two after dinner just to stick around and listen. Last night some cherubic little chick belted out Bonnie Tyler's "Holding out for a Hero". It was pretty damn impressive for a little girl to have a big voice like that.